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Children Learn what they Live.

sophiebarcant

We are raising adults. What character traits would you like your children to exhibit when they are adults? pause and list them before reading further.

 

 

Let me guess: loving, kind, honesty, responsibility, generosity, patience, self control, industriousness (hardworking), fortitude (grit or resilience) to name a few.

Well children learn what they live. If they see parents and caregivers exhibiting little or no self control (temperance) indulging in no end of food, drink, leisure, material things, why should they not do the same? If they grow up with gossip, complaining and negativity why should they be positive, holding their tongue and tolerant? If we complain about having to work, seek to escape work or do the bare minimum, express disdain for chores and loosely manage our affairs then who can blame them when they are older and are slow to find work and be productive and be responsible to manage their affairs? If we are stingy and not generous to hep others and share our surplus things with those in need then more than likely they will also be stingy.

Note well I say more than likely. There are many people who notice their parents undesirable traits and consciously decide to be the opposite. It takes enormous determination, will and effort to reprogram our subconscious but it can be done.

All actions and feelings we sense and see from in eutero (in our mother’s womb) and throughout our upbringing are recorded in our subconscious mind. It is our programming or our operating system.

We are often not aware of what is driving our behaviour but that is it. All that we witnessed when growing up, as well as HOW we interpreted it at the time.

So if we want to raise the chances of raising responsible, hardworking, honest, loving adults lets demonstrate those qualities ourselves. It’s Time for mindfulness and self examination and transformation where necessary. Upgrade your operating system. Inner growth…..our journey gets exciting and we find greater fulfilment as we improve.

Setting Limits/Boundries

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We have heard that children need limits, well so do adults. We let ourselves get taken advantage of when we do not set boundries with people. So how do we do that?

There is a wonderful simple Enforceable statement we can utter to literally get others to change. Often we want others to change but we are always told that we can’t change others, we can only change ourselves. Well here is how we can get others to change….by uttering these kinds of statements:

to an agitated adult: “I will listen to you when your voice is calm”. This gets the person to change their tone should they really want to communicate with you or gets them to reflect on their approach and adjust it in the future.

to a whining child:  ” I will listen to you when you speak with a sweet voice”. It can be very entertaining to see a child stop whining upon hearing this statement and instantly change their voice.

We can control what we pay attention to and what we stand up near to, to listen,  so we can decide that we will not pay attention to whining or not stay around someone who is arguing. We can decide to move away and simply say “I will be happy to listen to you when you speak calmly, or when you speak to me with respect”.  Try it, it works!

We can set limits to the behaviour we will tolerate from children in a car or at the dinner table or anywhere.

“You are welcome to play with your balls in the front yard or the back yard, not inside, you choose which part of the yard.”

“You are welcome to stay and eat at the table with us as long as you keep your fingers out of others plates and your feet to yourself. Otherwise you can eat alone in the kitchen.”

“Children who eat their dinner get desert”

“I’ll continue driving when there is no fighting in the back seat” ( parent pulls over to roadside or into a parking lot and waits.

“I’ll do the things I do for you around here when I feel treated with respect” (to an older child).

“I’ll check homework that is legible”

“I’ll take you to the___________ as soon as your chores are done”

“I’ll give you ________ as soon as your homework is done”

Get the idea?

Contact me for more ways this can be used to set limits with your loved ones who we sometimes allow to take advantage of us and to just raise responsible children.

 

 

Welcome, welcome, welcome.

sophiebarcant
Are you searching for parenting tips? Practical ways to manage your children’s or students behaviour? Or to get insights as to why children behave the way they do. Well you have come to a good place to get that information. You will get more than that too. You will even get insights on adult human behaviour.
I have loved Psychology since my teen years and psychology is about understanding human behaviour. So let’s dive in and explore some parenting tips.
One of the most common challenges I believe parents face is that of Power Struggles. Dealing with the strong willed child and just being ignored by children when a parent makes a request.
Rule #1: make as few demands and commands as possible: save them for emergencies or moments when there is no debate.
DEMANDS AND COMMANDS CREATE RESISTANCE! you are setting yourself up to lose when making demands and issuing commands. Sooner or later they will defy you, they will be bigger than you and you will be powerless to do anything about it.
Hooray! an alternative is at hand! Offer choices. There is magic in offering choices. However there is a rule about offering choices: only offer 2 choices that will make you completely happy, choices you are totally ok with. Offer choices for the most simple things, like ” Would you like milk or juice?” ” Would you like to do homework at this desk or on that table?” “Would you like to have a story before prayers or after?””Would you rather mow the lawn or rake the leaves?” ” Would you prefer to do the dishes now or in half an hour?” You get the idea?
Offer lots of choices when things are calm throughout the day. See them as making deposits into a bank account. This is very important because sooner or later you will have to make a withdrawal, you will have to make a demand and if your child feels like they have had a lot of control because you have let them make a lot of choices, then they will be much less resistant to following your demand. When kids have to consider various choices they develop good thinking skills, they have to consider and evaluate the consequences of the various choices. This is great training for life.
Warning!, some children are determined to have absolute power and resist choosing, if this happens, do not offer choices for that particular issue, experiment using it in other less important behaviours. Here is an example, one of my daughters at 3 yrs of age, was determined to not choose between 2 or even 3 different outfits to wear. She was set on choosing her own and none of the ones I offered. I was destined to lose so I knew rather than be a loser, I would never offer choices re clothing. I was successful however when I offered choices in other areas like choosing story books, choices in food or snack items, games to play etc.
Hope this helps to lessen some conflicts and resistance. Feel free to shoot me questions and share your stories for further clarification. I’d love to support you!